tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35801352024-03-13T14:02:06.004-07:00The Unbearable Lightness of FlipnessRantings and observations from a Filipina ready to flip out.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-79241684807988877092011-03-28T00:47:00.000-07:002011-03-28T01:13:51.371-07:00Introducing... Ms. Farty McFartersons!There have been quite a few things that have happened in the last day or so: Christine walked around a little bit (yay!), she sat up in a chair for a few hours (double yay!), got moved from the ICU into a regular room (triple yay!), and FINALLY farted. (woohoo!) <br /><br />Everyone was pretty happy she got moved out of the ICU, but it took a while for them to find a bed for her. Apparently they had been trying to find a bed since last night, and was only able to find one this afternoon. She got moved into the new room about 2:15pm. The new nurse took her vitals, got her all set up and then told us that they would come back in in about four hours to check her vitals again. SEVEN HOURS later, the next new nurse was finally able to check her vitals. And one of her machines starting beeping, which Christine's roommate's nurse (oh, did I tell you it's a shared room? Dammit) told us it was a warning to the nurses that the epidural machine was running low on meds. So we waited for them to change the meds... and waited... and then Matt and I left because visiting hours were over (oh yeah, they wouldn't let Matt stay in the room overnight because it's a shared room)... and then when I finally got back to my parents' house in Chino (which was about 11pm) Christine texted me to let me know that she JUST got her meds. So yeah... we miss the ICU because we didn't have any of that shit happen, ever.<br /><br />So, Christine is now a farting machine! Sweet! Still not totally sure when she can start getting something more than ice chips, which is what she's had since she's gotten out of surgery. At one point the nurse sent in the attending physician because we were wondering when they would let her have something and he was a really big help. If by big help he actually did jack shit, then yes, he was a big help. He could not tell us when she'd be able to get some sustenance nor what the estimate was for her length of stay, although he did tell us that her surgery team would be coming by sometime tomorrow morning to talk to her about... um... stuff.<br /><br />For all who are wondering, "So how is Chris doing?" she's doing fine. She's looking much better and says that she's feeling fine. She isn't super out of it, although the pain medication can make her a little drowsy. She would still love for everyone to come and visit, if you can, and you don't have to worry about the farting. It doesn't smell.<br /><br />-Cathy<br /><br />P.S. Christine should be able to update the blog from now on, which is good, since I will be going back home to Seattle tomorrow afternoon and she is doing much better.kittiecathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00486820498720008800noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-49298619922699888602011-03-26T22:14:00.000-07:002011-03-26T22:45:28.976-07:00Fart, or No Food!I know everyone is waiting for more updates, so I have come to deliver! Christine has been in the ICU for the past two days. We were hoping that she would get moved to a regular room today, but it didn't quite happen. She did get the tubes from her neck and nose taken out and from one of her wrists. She's looking decidedly better and she says that she's feeling much better. She should be moved to the regular room tomorrow morning, which will be great because that means thy she'll be able to see Autumn in person rather than through video chat on our phones. Christine did want me to tell you all that she would love for all of you to come visit, so if you can, party in her room!<br /><br /> Now if we could only get her to fart...<br /><br />-Cathykittiecathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00486820498720008800noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-28951477418129802602011-03-24T18:06:00.000-07:002011-03-24T18:28:07.526-07:00Surgery is complete!So we just spoke to Dr. Selby. The surgery went very well and he felt that the margins were good (which means that they think they got almost all of the tumor out). Christine did not have to have any blood transfused. They were able to keep a lot of her pancreas and the doctor said that as long as she maintains her weight she should not have to worry about diabetes. He also mentioned that her lymph nodes looked good and they weren't enlarged, but they will still take a look to see if there's anything microscopically. As for her liver, they shaved a portion of it to biopsy, but noticed that the small lesions they saw during her last CT scan was more like a bruise. I believe he called it a hemangioma, and at surface did not seem cancerous, but again, they will check the liver to see if there's anything microscopically. The tumor also did not invade the stomach, but what it was affecting was the vein that carried stuff out of the stomach (I know I'm being really technical here), which they were able to cut away from the tumor and rebuild. That means they did not have to take any portion of her stomach. Dr. Selby said that he was "very pleased" with the outcome of the procedure.<br /><br />They've brought Christine into the ICU, but it will still be another 2 1/2 hours before we know if we can go visit her. I think everyone here is super relieved and feeling really optimistic. Thanks everyone for all of your support!<br /><br />- Cathykittiecathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00486820498720008800noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-37633215237241404082011-03-24T13:29:00.000-07:002011-03-24T13:37:21.772-07:00More NewsHey everyone,<br />So we just had a visit from Dr. Selby. So this is what we know: The big reason it has been taking so long is because they were not able to embolize to stop the supply of blood to the tumor, so they had to go through the artery that supplies the pancreas, spleen, and the tumor to try to stop the supply of blood that way. (Sorry, I don't remember the name of the artery and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to spell it.) When they were finally able to do it, the tumor decreased in size by 40%, which is good, because that mean the tumor was mostly blood. The doctor also said that it looks like they'll be able to save a good portion of the pancreas, which may mean that Christine will not be insulin dependent. They haven't been able to check out the liver too much, but so far, there wasn't anything superficial that they could see at this point. Everything sounds like good news, except they still have another 3 hours, which means, we wait for another 3 hours.<br /><br />Will continue to keep you all posted when we get more news.<br /><br />-Cathykittiecathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00486820498720008800noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-66107080893809285322011-03-24T11:52:00.000-07:002011-03-24T12:02:40.170-07:00First updateSo, after waiting about 4 1/2 hours we finally got an update. The doctors are still working on Christine, everything is going well and Christine is doing well.<br /><br />It's a big relief for us who are waiting, but man, we were starting to get antsy. This waiting is killing us! They give the families that are waiting these pagers and they're supposed to buzz when there is news. They look a little like the pagers you get when you're waiting for a table at a restaurant. After a while, we started hearing the buzzing from the other families and ours was just sitting on the table. It sucked. When it finally did buzz, we all headed as a group to find out the news and were given three sentences: They're still working, it's going well, the patient is doing fine. I don't know about everyone else, but I felt it was a relief and little anti-climatic at the same time.<br /><br />Well, that's about it for now. Will post again when we hear more news.<br /><br />-Cathykittiecathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00486820498720008800noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-38802615570763577572011-03-24T07:41:00.000-07:002011-03-24T07:54:03.063-07:00Surgery DayHi everyone! This is Cathy, Christine's sister. I will be giving updates on Christine's surgery as we get information. <br />Right now, we are at USC University Hospital, where the surgery is scheduled. Christine has been taken into the OR and they will be giving her an epidural. Matt said that there are 3 or 4 surgeons, which I'm assuming is including the main surgeon, Dr. Selby. They should be giving us regular updates, but that's all I know for now. Christine is, understandably, nervous but Matt felt that the surgeons were optimistic and they tried to keep her spirits up.kittiecathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00486820498720008800noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-47854508130470773382011-03-24T00:44:00.000-07:002011-03-24T00:44:11.627-07:00Surgery. The scariest 7 letter word I know.Another short but sweet. I'm wicked tired and have to be up in a few hours. <br />
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In about 7 hours, I'll be in surgery. Yeesh... surgery. I've had a couple. Laser eye surgery. C-Section. A Lumpectomy. But this one... wowzers. I'm, as you all already know, scared shitless. But I've gotten so much votes of confidence, words of support, and notifications of prayers that I feel less worried than I've felt in a while. Don't get me wrong... I still feel like crying... and I have. Especially when I had to drop of my daughter at my parents house. <br />
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I spent a few hours there hanging out with my family. Watched my niece play with my daughter and then watched her sleep during her short 20 minute nap. That was my cue to pick her up and hand her off to my mom, who will not be at the hospital tomorrow but staying home to pray a Novena for me with her sisters. But before I could even hand her over to my mom I froze and just stood there holding my baby Autumn in my arms. That's when the tears started to flow. I could not let her go. There were nor are any words I can use to express what I was feeling at that time because I don't even know what I was feeling. Yes, scared is one word. Worried is another. But neither of those words really describe all that was going through me at that moment. So I just stood there and cried. And my mom and sisters and aunts all came over and hugged me and told me it would be fine and that Autumn would be fine. And I know she will be. I just love that kid so much, the thought of being away from her for so long just makes me want to scream. Yes, I know a week is a relatively short amount of time, but dude... for me to be away from my baby for that long seems like an eternity. Even now as I sit here in bed and type this, I should be hearing her little snores and occasional bedtime grunts as she squirms in her crib. But I don't hear that. Nor do I see her when I look into her crib. And my heart cries... and then my eyes follow suit. I REALLY hope they let her come to my hospital room after I'm out of the ICU.<br />
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Anyway, I hope to be updating you all myself real soon. Hopefully in a few days. Until then, my sister Cathy will be posting on my blog to update you all and tell you how I'm doing. My thanks to all of you who have been reading this and offering up words of support. I really do appreciate all the love you guys have expressed to me.<br />
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I'll "see" you all very soon. I have some cancer ass kicking to do right now.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-18025855595337564622011-03-21T22:25:00.000-07:002011-03-21T22:25:54.396-07:00Nausea and The Big VThis will be short and sweet.<br />
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I know you ALL want to know I vomited. Yes, I did. And you would think, "Hey, she's got cancer... why wouldn't she vomit?", right? Actually, I have not vomited in a very long time. Not even when I was pregnant. I did not have morning sickness and therefore I never puked. I never even felt nauseous. Nausea came sometime before my birthday last year... probably around Thanksgiving. And I've been living with this nausea for a good 3 months now never having vomited. I can usually ride out the nausea wave and then move on with my day.<br />
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Well, I guess everything has just finally caught up with me. With all the things I've been worried about, taking care of Autumn, and trying to live a normal life with this surgery looming large over my head, I think I have bitten off more than I can chew. Because tonight after eating a very yummy dinner, I was suddenly and without warning, hit with an overwhelming urge to vomit. Not just a wave a nausea... but a knock upside the head with dizziness prancing hand in hand with nausea and with vomit trying to force its way through the door. I gave Autumn to Matt headed to the bathroom and then basically spilled my guts. Literally.<br />
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I think I'm getting sick. Just a cold really. Not a sinus infection like Matt has. But sick just the same. Which is not good since my surgery is Thursday and if I'm sick I can't have the surgery. As much as I don't want to have surgery, I don't want to prolong it either. The next available time for me to have the surgery would be at the end of April and non of my doctors feel this would be a good thing. They all agree that I need to get this tumor out as soon as possible. I was told to rest and take it easy. I think I will finally take their advice. I've been more tired than I've ever been in my life. I can barely think straight. I know I don't want to get sick... this surgery needs to be done and over with so I can move on to the next part of me kicking this cancer's ass. But man I'm tired. But I know there is still so much to do... I'm going to need some major help.<br />
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Ok, I can't look at the screen anymore, so I'm going to finish this tea Matt made for me and get some rest. And maybe sleep. But no more vomit please. I can't take anymore of this nausea either...OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-20325672199669037142011-03-19T01:58:00.000-07:002011-03-19T01:58:42.296-07:00What's Up Doc? Part IISorry about that last entry. It was pretty lame.<br />
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To continue: I had another CT scan and an echo cardiogram plus an EKG on March 1st. The results from the CT showed that the tumor had grown about 1/2 a cm around. Because I've been having heart palpitations and chest pains I was instructed to get the echo and the EKG to make sure my heart was ok (it is). Because of the growth of the tumor, I was told my surgery was set for March 11th. Um... no go people. I told you guys I had my daughter's baptism that day. "Oh, we thought you meant for the CT." Let me ask you... if you say you're not available for a CT what in hell makes you think I'd be available for fucking SURGERY??? Reschedule that shit please. Plus, I still hadn't seen the oncologist which was set for the Monday before my daughter's baptism, March 6th. <br />
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I had all these plans to do stuff with my daughter, my friends and family before I had to have surgery. I thought I had at least 6 weeks before my surgery would be scheduled because of Medi-Cal. Apparently, I didn't need to wait. I wanted to go to Disneyland, I wanted to eat A LOT of food, I wanted to just take time and hang out with Autumn before I had to get this surgery that would basically render me unable to carry my child for at least 2 weeks to a month. So my sister was coming in the Sunday before the baptism (she is also one of her godmothers) and we were going to do Disneyland with my other two sisters, my mom and Matt. My dad couldn't go because of his back issues. Well, needless to say, I was able to go to Disneyland with my sisters and take Autumn on her first Disneyland trip. I hung out with my awesome friends during her baptism and the day after and saw some cousins I hadn't seen in a while. It was a good week.<br />
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So to get back to what I was talking about. Met with the oncologist at USC Norris Cancer center on the 6th. He basically said more of the same of what Drs. Ramos and Selby had told me. That my tumor was rare and slow growing (a good thing) and that the only way to get this thing out of me quickly would be surgery as these types of tumors are chemo resistant (the not so good thing). He did mention the two drugs that I had been told about by Gabe's mom that had been used in the treatment of Kidney Cancer that have been known to be very effective in the treatment of my type of tumor. But because my tumor is so large the best course of action would be to remove the tumor and hope that everything is basically removed in that surgery. <br />
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But wait! There's more!!!<br />
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The oncologist also dropped a bomb on me and my entire family (who was with me when I met with him. Yes, I come with an entourage now). The last CT scan showed that I had new lesions on my liver. Very small, but several of them. They are not part of the original big ass tumor I currently have. They are new lesions. Which means this thing has metastasized. Because of this one thing that was found, my status in terms of cancer stage has been reclassified as Stage 4. Apparently, when a tumor metastasizes to another organ, that puts you in the later stage. We are unsure where the lesions are (he had <i>JUST</i> looked at the CT briefly and found the new lesions. As of this last Monday, he has not discussed the new findings with my surgeon. More on that later.<br />
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Needless to say, to hear I now have Stage 4 cancer as opposed to the Stage 1 or 2 I had originally thought I had has shocked the shit out of me. I knew this was a possibility, but SERIOUSLY? I knew that these neuroendocrine tumors have been known to metastasize to the liver, the lymph nodes, the bones, the brain, anywhere close to the pancreas. But I didn't think it would happen that quickly. But to put it in perspective, this tumor may have been in me for YEARS before I finally felt it that day in my OB's office, which is the reason it's so damned large and I did just get diagnosed a little over a month ago. It was the 3 months before that where I was scrambling around trying to figure out what this thing was that made it seem like forever. I wonder if it has actually gone anywhere else... Anyway, I asked the oncologist what would happen as a result of the new lesions. He said he would talk to Dr. Selby (surgeon) and see if it was removable during my surgery. If not, then we would do another scan about a month and a half after my surgery to see if there was anything else left and I would probably need to have chemo or take those meds I had discussed earlier as treatment if there was still more cancer left.<br />
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After the oncologist on the 6th, I spent the rest of my week getting ready for the baptism, spending time with my daughter, my love, my family and friends in celebration of my baby (as I stated earlier). Then on Monday, it was back to Cancer Watch 2011. Had another appointment with Dr. Selby on the 14th to discuss a change in my surgery. I assumed it was about the new lesions on my liver. Matt, Autumn, my mom and dad, and Cheryl came with me to Dr. Selby's office to discuss the new surgery. First off, the surgery had already been scheduled. For March 24th. Giving me only a week and a half to get shit in order and to get right in my head for this surgery. Because to tell you all the truth, I've been terrified and crying nightly after everyone is asleep just scared of this surgery. I even found myself crying on a ride at Disneyland (Soaring over California - man what a beautiful ride). So to know that my surgery date was so close just made my mouth go dry, my heart drop to my stomach and my eyes glaze over all at the same time. I had been hoping for a little time to just hang with the baby. Get Matt situated with stuff with her... since my recovery time will be lengthy, he'll have his hands full. I wanted him to get to know her cries and her fussiness on the rare occasions when she is fussy. Because he whigs out a little when her crying becomes a little intense. Hahaa...<br />
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After discovering my surgery was going to be next week, I was told what the change in my surgery was going to be. It had nothing to do with the liver. Actually, Dr. Selby had not talked to the oncologist yet (strange, since a week had already passed and the oncologist said he'd call Dr. Selby that day which was last Monday). We were told that they would be doing a "distal pancreatectomy", where they remove the part of the body and the tail of the pancreas, but that there was a chance they would have to do a "pancreatectomy" where they remove the entire pancreas. What does that mean for me after the surgery? I become an insulin dependent diabetic (type 1) and that before I eat anything, including snacks, I would have to take enzyme pills before eating. For the rest of my life. They will not know for sure until they've opened me up and taken a look at the situation, but I needed to be informed that this would be a possibility. So there it was. Surgery scheduled. Scared shitless. I had Dr. Selby walk me through the part of the surgery that scared me the most which was the area dealing with the Superior Mesenteric Artery. He said it didn't appear as if the tumor had invaded that artery (I read that if it had, then the tumor is inoperable) and that he would not be touching the artery at all. If he was to only take a part of the pancreas, he would cut a little before where the artery starts and then peel the pancreas and the tumor away from the artery, only cutting the veins that feed the pancreas. He assured me he would not touch, get near, or fuck with the artery. This made me feel a little bit better... but believe me, I'm scared out of my head. And I know my entire family is scared. The look on my dad's face when we were told they may have to take the entire pancreas was one I had never seen before. As for the new lesions on my liver, the surgeon said that he would have to see once I was opened up to see if the lesions were on the surface of the liver and if they would be resectable. If not, if they are located deeper in my liver, he would not be able to remove them at that time which would mean that I'd either have to have chemo or those oral meds for Kidney Cancer I had mentioned earlier.<br />
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My pre op procedures were scheduled for this Thursday (March 17th... HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!) where I got another EKG, some blood tests, x-rays, more paperwork, instructions for the day of surgery, and I spoke with a resident surgeon who will be on my surgical team, who basically asked me a bunch of questions, had me sign some consent forms, and then answered any questions my family and I had. Basically my surgery will be anywhere from 5 - 8 hours. The OR is booked for 8 hours so we were told to expect to be there for a while. I hate that they'll have to wait that long while I'm getting worked on. I hate that all this has to happen. But as I sit here and type this in the dark as my daughter FINALLY starts to snore to my left and Matt lays here and snores to my right, I really hope that this daily pain I have in my abdomen, head, and neck go away after I have recuperated from my surgery. I know the recovery will be long and painful, but I'm really hoping that Dr. Selby's intention of having me leave the OR disease free is realized. That would be so nice. I also hope that I make it through this surgery with flying colors so that I can watch Autumn grow up, marry Matt, design some buildings and have a good life.<br />
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After surgery, I'll be in the ICU for a couple of days and then I should be in a regular hospital room for about a week. I hope I get to see Autumn while I'm in the hospital. The thought of not seeing her for a week makes me want to cry. I miss her so much when she spends a night with my parents. I couldn't imagine a whole week. I hope Spencer is ok while I'm in the hospital. I hope my mom doesn't worry too much and that my dad can be there for her and Matt and the baby when they do worry. I hope I do well in this surgery. I hope for so many things...<br />
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I have less than a week before my surgery and I feel a little lost. I'm not exactly sure how I should be feeling or what I should be doing. What are my priorities right now? How do I get right in my head that everything will be fine and think like Matt that this is "just another procedure". That I will have the surgery, recoup, and be fine. How do stay calm? How do I stop feeling so scared? Do I want to know everything that will happen in this surgery? Do I ask someone?<br />
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My head is reeling and I really should sleep. The baby will wake in about 5 hours and I have a big day at the Getty with my friend Sarah from Boston, who has come to visit. I'll write more tomorrow. Till then...<br />
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Goodnight.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-37596231467874316492011-03-17T20:21:00.000-07:002011-03-17T20:21:59.968-07:00What's Up Doc? (aka The Second Opinion) Originally started/written 2.21.10<i>Aw crap... do I need to pay Warner Brothers Cartoons for the use of that phrase? Oh well... <br />
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Sorry it's taken me a while to post this next blog. Typing has become a touch difficult lately so it takes a little longer than usual for me to type. That and also dealing with an infant who may potentially be at the starting gate for teething, I kind of have to walk away from the blog for a bit every now and then.<br />
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I know you guys have been wondering how my appointment with the "Second Opinion" doctor went last Friday. I know this because I've gotten the texts, emails, calls, etc. I kind of had to process what he told me and also, I needed a couple of days where I wasn't thinking about what he had told me. Well, that didn't happen. My situation is always on my brain now, no matter how hard I try to "relax and take it easy". It has started to infiltrate my dreams. I have weird crazy dreams that I only half remember when I wake but I know they're nuts. <br />
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First off, to answer everyone's question: I'm doing fine. Thank you. Well, as fine as I can be for someone who has a tumor in her body. This is what I deal with every day now... I'm realizing that now I'm dealing with a constant pain on my left side close to where the tumor is, there is a constant throbbing in the area of the tumor (I can only guess it's the artery the tumor is wrapped around), I have a headache and backache that doesn't seem to go away no matter how much Tylenol or Aleve I pop (and believe me, it's a lot), and I'm so tired now that I feel like I've been shot up with a serious load of quaaludes (not even a nap helps because I'm still tired after waking and there are days when I can't even wake up in the morning). It makes taking care of the baby and reading/learning about my specific type of pancreatic cancer a challenge. Other than that, I'm in pretty good spirits and I'm just trying to find some good in this piece of shit situation I have found myself in. Here's something... you know how they say that your feet get bigger when you're pregnant and they never go back to their regular size so you might as well buy new shoes? Not for me! I am still a size 7 1/2 - 8! Woo hoo!<br />
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Ok, now down to the nitty gritty: The Second Opinion.<br />
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Saw a Dr. R. Selby at USC University Hospital. He has an astounding CV and came highly recommended to me by the last vascular surgeon who diagnosed me. He told me that if he had the same thing he would go to this guy. Great. Enough said. Let's talk to him.<br />
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In a nutshell: He'd like me to go under the knife as well. Here's the kicker: He agreed that my pancreas would need to be chopped up (for lack of a better term) he didn't think it would be as drastic as Dr. Ramos (who referred me to him) thought. He feels that he can leave a healthy amount of pancreas which would mean that possibly I would not be insulin dependent. He also thinks that he would only need to remove, at most, 10% of my liver. Which is good. Less chance of liver failure. But he also dropped a bomb on me. I would also be losing my spleen, possibly my left adrenal gland, and depending on if the tumor has infiltrated my stomach or not, a portion of the back part of my stomach (better than the lapband?).<br />
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That's a lot of stuff. I need time to figure this crap out. And I also asked to see an oncologist, because I haven't talked to a doctor who specializes in cancer yet! So I have an appointment with an oncologist at the USC Norris Cancer Center and these peeps over here are going to just go ahead and schedule my surgery and let me know. The Bean gets baptized on the 11th and I'm hoping I have a month or so before I have to have this surgery. It still scares the bejeezus out of me especially because of that deal with the major artery that's involved. I guess we'll see...</i><br />
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<b>Sorry for not posting this up as soon as when I had written it originally. I was in mommy mode and also I really needed to figure out what I wanted to do about this surgery vs alternatives to surgery. Now that I know what is going to happen, I'll be writing a new blog on that right now and post it tomorrow. So as soon as I have time this coming week, I'll try to make the blog a daily occurance if possible. I have a lot going on this upcoming week... I'll explain in the next blog.</b>OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-5999478201497177922011-02-16T20:29:00.000-08:002011-02-16T20:29:40.622-08:00Cancer CootiesI haven't really gone around telling everyone I have "The Cancer". That was the main reason I wrote "The Game of Life" post. But what I find a little humorous is the reaction of those people who hear I have The Cancer and then disappear off the face of the earth. Even though they tell others, "Tell her I said that if she needs anything at all, just call.". Well, jeez... why not just call me and tell me that?<br />
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I feel like I have cooties. Cancer Cooties. And the Cancer Cooties are making others afraid to just call because they think they can either kill me through the phone or get The Cancer through phonemosis (yes, I said Phonemosis - think osmosis but through the phone). I'm still the same person. I just have a ginormous tumor growing in my pancreas and liver. What can you do for me? Call me when you feel like calling. Don't stay away because you don't know what to say. Want me to tell you what to say? Say this: "Kick that goddamned cancer in the fucking ass." That's it. And I'll do it too.<br />
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So after a week of thinking about it, and also realizing that I have a shitload of people to tell, I decided to just post some stuff on Facebook and let everyone know that this is why I've either forgotten to call, didn't pick up the phone when they called, or just plain didn't call back because I never know what to say now when someone who doesn't know asks me, "How are you doing?". Lately, I've just been blurting it out like this: <br />
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<b>Person Who Doesn't Know:<br />
<br />
So how have you been? Anything new?<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
<br />
Meh... I'm ok. New? Well, I have cancer. How are you???</b><br />
<br />
Not <i>too</i> smooth.<br />
<br />
So now that I've put it out there, I can now say, "I have pains, I'm tired, I'm scared of this surgery. But hey... look at all this weight I've lost!" Hey... you've got to have a sense of humor about this shit and instead of crying all the time (I'll be honest, I have cried quite a bit), I want to able to laugh despite this shit that's going down. I'm gonna fight and I need all the support I can get. So don't tell me "stop talking like that" when I joke about being able to get VIP parking because I'll be able to get a handicap placard now that I'll be getting chemo after the surgery (at least I think so, anyway). Let me have a giggle. I'm laughing at myself... that's a good thing. And it stops making everything so "heavy". You dig?<br />
<br />
Oh and by the way... despite the pain... I'm in good spirits. Thanks for asking.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-36907661586938055932011-02-10T19:58:00.000-08:002011-02-16T20:13:11.009-08:00The Game of LifeDoes anyone remember that game, Life (otherwise referred to as "The Game of Life")? I used to love it. I actually still do. I even downloaded it onto my iTouch years ago. Even though they've "updated" it, it still holds up. I don't know why I still love that game. Maybe it's the spinner. Maybe the tiny cars with the little peg people that look nothing like actual people. Maybe it's the little fake mountains you go over or even the possibility of landing on each and every "BABY GIRL" or "BABY BOY" tile and having to lay your little extra pegs sideways in your "car" because you only have a 6 seater. Imagine the mayhem if you land on the "TWINS" tile... Yeah, it's fun. <br />
<br />
But you know what it also is? Misleading. Because even though it throws little obstacles at you like taxes (oh no!), tornados (something I really didn't have to go through living in SoCal), and losing your job and having to get another one (hey, it happens to everyone)... they don't throw in the things that really slap you in the face and go "HA HA HAAAAA!". For example: if I was currently playing a "real life" version of Life, this would be the spot I have just landed on: "You have Cancer! Lose a turn... or several while you go through surgery and chemotherapy". I know, maybe the "cancer space" on the board wouldn't have made the game too much fun. But hey... it would've made it REALLY interesting...<br />
<br />
So this is the space I've landed on:<br />
<br />
NEUROENDOCRINE TUMOR or PANCREATIC ENDOCRINE TUMOR (Surgery and chemotherapy required).<br />
<br />
Pancreatic endocrine tumors (PETs) are also known as endocrine pancreatic tumors (EPTs) or islet cell tumors. PETs are assumed to originate generally in the islets of Langerhans within the pancreas – or, Arnold et alia suggest, from endocrine pancreatic precursor cells (Arnold et al. 2004, 199) – though they may originate outside of the pancreas. (The term pancreatic cancer almost always refers to adenopancreatic cancer, also known as exocrine pancreatic cancer. Adenopancreatic cancers are generally very aggressive, and are not neuroendocrine cancers. About 95 percent of pancreatic tumors are adenopancreatic; about 1 or 2 percent are GEP-NETs.). (Thank you Wikipedia)<br />
<br />
Sounds fun right? I'm not even fully sure what all that up there means and the entire Wikipedia entry is just as confusing. You need a "Gray's Anatomy" book, a.k.a. "Henry Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body" (I'm talking the actual book called "Gray's Anatomy" and not talking about the show which is spelled with an "e") to MAYBE understand all the medical mumbo jumbo. On top of that, you'd probably need at least 2 dictionaries. I know I did. And I'm starting to think I should invest in an Oxford English Dictionary (hardcover edition) because some of those words weren't in my dinky ass Webster's paperback.<br />
<br />
This is how it happened: At my two week post-op appointment at my OB-Gyn after the c-section birth of my daughter, I felt a lump underneath the left side of my rib cage. I felt around on the right and realized that there was nothing like that on the right side. I poked around a bit more and thought, "hey, I should ask the doctor". So after he gave me the "I did a great job on your sutures" remark I asked him, "hey, could you possibly feel me up over here?". Yes, I actually said "feel me up" to my doctor. I then said as he was poking around in the spot I pointed out, "I feel it there, but I don't feel it on the other side. Is this normal?". He got this really serious look on his face and said, "we should take an ultrasound" which is what we did. That ultrasound showed a large solid mass. The ultrasound tech could not be sure if it was coming from my pancreas or my liver (oh and she also found I have gall stones. awesome.) and I was referred to another doctor to try and get an mri or a ct scan.<br />
<br />
I did some reading on different sites about lymphoma (a possibility), pancreatic cancer (another possibility since the lump I found is mostly situated on the pancreas), chemotherapy, and radiotherapy and well, I guess I have a lot more reading to do. And I REALLY should probably should invest in that much larger dictionary because when I read up on Wikipedia about radiation (or radiotherapy, or... well, many names and types), the things they were saying and explaining went COMPLETELY over my head. Hence, the MAIN reason I never even CONSIDERED going into medicine. Well that and the fact that I almost flunked out of Biology in High School. I mean, yick! Dissection of a piglet? GROSS. But hey... I'm thankful for the many who dug that subject and dissecting small animals so that there could be all these medical advances and so forth... but I digress.<br />
<br />
Long story short (although I think I'm past that now), after two months of procedures such as EKG's, assorted blood tests, colonoscopies, endoscopies, endoscopic ultrasounds and biopsies, my problem was FINALLY diagnosed last week. I had a neuroendocrine tumor. Pancreatic cancer. Not just any pancreatic cancer. A RARE pancreatic cancer. The same kind Steve Jobs has. Good side? It's not the kind that kills after 2 months. Bad side? It's chemo resistant and my only option is to have surgery and then (get this) chemo. Whatever...<br />
<br />
I'm scared shitless. Not because of the pain. Not because of the chemo. But because I <i>JUST</i> had my baby. Do you people know how long I've waited to have a child? How many useless men I went through before I found a guy who is TRULY my partner in life and wanted to have a child with? I made sure I didn't accidentally get pregnant. I was responsible (for the most part) in that department. I made sure I did what I needed to do as a single person before I considered bringing a little person in the world to share the world with me and her daddy. So you can imagine how 1) scared I am, 2) sad I am, and 3) how PISSED I am that this is happening. I feel a little bit schizo going through all these emotions and at the same time trying to keep it together so my family doesn't think I'm losing it. But my mind reels at how much crap has been going through my head since I found that lump. It's never ending. It's hard to think of anything but this because I have my daughter and my boyfriend to consider. I worry that my daughter will not know me while I go through all this crap. Surgery alone and post off will take 3 weeks of hospitalization. Then who the hell knows how long my chemo will be. I need to think of what's best for me and for my family. <br />
<br />
My head feels like it's going to explode.<br />
<br />
So to you friends out there who feel like I've all of a sudden gone underground, I apologize. I've had a lot on my plate. It's been hard for me to explain things to people especially since that least two months have basically been us trying to figure out what the hell I had growing in me. I know that me breaking the news this way is kind of weird, but it was the only way I could reach a lot of people at the same time and explain pretty much ONCE and not over and over again. If you have questions, or want to call, ask or call. I'm around.<br />
<br />
If any of you have advice, I'm open to all you're willing to give me.<br />
<br />
I'll post on this more... this post has taken too long for me to write and I feel I've been all over the place. Sorry! It's been hard to write and take care of baby at the same time...<br />
<br />
Anyway, I'm hoping I win this game. I suppose I'll just come up from behind and surprise everyone. But at least I'm not laying down extra pegs in my 6 seater. That can be a pain in the ass... we wouldn't want to lose anyone on the way.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-50005076488820966262011-01-06T02:49:00.000-08:002011-01-06T02:49:37.908-08:00Excuse me while I...... Scream into a pillow. And please don't mind me when I go hide in a corner and cry my eyes out afterward while I have my little self pity party.<br />
<br />
I promise it won't be for too long. And then I'll figure out what I'll do next.<br />
<br />
Because right now, I'm not quite sure what I should be doing or how I should be feeling. All I know is that I'm scared and angry.<br />
<br />
Ok, I go scream now...OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-7039641426564649442010-02-01T15:59:00.000-08:002010-02-01T16:05:08.902-08:00I heart Writer's Block. NOT!I know it's not July. I know I haven't written in a while. AGAIN. I know my shortcomings. Apparently, my inability to follow through is one of them. The saddest thing ever? The best writing I've done was today on a Facebook comment post to my friend Desha. <br /><br />I will copy and paste it. <br /><br />Because I'm lame.<br /><br /><br />Me to Desha: <br /><br />Ok... I need to blog...<br /><br />but my life is so unexciting, I have nothing to write about...<br /><br />ideas?<br /><br /><br />Desha to Me:<br /><br />1. live vicariously though me... only changing the name say.... to "the girl in the leaky car"<br /><br />2. take up a new hobby that makes you completely busy once again...? OH!!! GO TO CIRCUS GYM! OR THE WORKOUT WITH THE DOG AND OWNER (dog bootcamp)!!<br />http://www.cirqueschoolla.com/Welcome.html<br />http://www.thankdogbootcamp.com/<br /><br />3. find alternative ways to communicate w/ your deaf dog?<br /><br /><br />Me to Desha:<br /><br />1. Funnily enough, I already do (or try to). Maybe a "Girl in the Leaky Car" series? You're going to have to call me a lot more while driving...<br /><br />2. I'll check them out... but if these things require money... it's a no go. Maybe a "I'm Broke as a Joke but No One Cares Because They Are Too" series? I'm going to have to spend a lot of time combing the interweb to find shit I can't afford. (don't suggest driving... please see the begining of this second point... gas = $)<br /><br />3. I like this idea a lot. "My Dog is Deaf and Here Is How He Ignored Me Today" series? I'd have to keep waking him up. He's like a ferret this dog...<br /><br /><br />Desha is right. I need a hobby... And the fact that I think this is my best writing to date makes me want to shove a pencil up my nose in the hopes that the pencil lead piercing my brain will somehow spark something in there and make me remember what the hell it was like to write something decent.<br /><br />I'm going to go wake my dog up now and try to teach him sign language.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-5562458899036861002009-07-20T09:33:00.000-07:002009-07-20T13:30:28.328-07:00There and Back Again.I have just at this moment realized that it has been NINE MONTHS since I've written in this blog. In fact, since I've written ANYTHING. This is sad and makes me want to throw things at passersby. <br /><br />I know exactly why I haven't written since my pathetic youtube posting last October. Two words: Fuckin' School. The posting last October was not only just before the presidential election (OBAMA!) but also just before the beginning of finals hell for my 7th design studio. The semester afterward, and the main cause for my general discontent and surly attitude for five months was Senior Studio. Thesis. Otherwise known as FUCKING HELL. I'm not going to even get into why it was so torturous and why I am VERY upset about many MANY things that happened as a result of that studio. I AM going to say that I did graduate and that, my friends, is some awesome stuff. I FINALLY finished college (though I'm still waiting for my damned diploma) and I gotta say, I'm quite chuffed. I set out to do this thing, later in life, I finished it and I feel... <br /><br />Drained.<br /><br />Tired.<br /><br />And... I'm absolutely DONE with school. If you asked me if I would ever go back to get my master's, I'd have to say, at this particular moment in time: HELL FUCKING NO! I don't think I could go through another 2 - 3 years of hellishness like that. It was almost unbearable toward the end. Absolute hell.<br /><br />But I'm proud of myself for going through it and seeing it all the way through. And I learned a lot. A hell of a lot.<br /><br />So what does this mean? It means my ass is looking for work AND writing. That's right. I'm going to start writing again. I've dedicated myself to getting back in shape both physically and mentally. Writing is a huge part of my mental growth and stability, believe it or not. So whatever neuroses I need to work through you three people who read my blog will get to partake if you so desire. I'm also dedicated to finishing the book I started years ago once and for all. Then we'll see what happens with that.<br /><br />But I promise to keep this up to date.<br /><br />There will probably be more People I Want to Kill entries as well. I find that now that I'm out in the world, A LOT of people tend to piss me the fuck off.<br /><br />So become a fan of this blog if you like. You can do so at the little widget thing off to the right of this blog. Let me know what you all think... and I'll be talking to you all soon enough.<br /><br />Now on to Chapter 3 of the book.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-43838831042069098132008-10-29T12:29:00.000-07:002008-10-29T12:37:36.577-07:00Whassup!So remember those Bud commercials from eight years ago? The guys doing the "whassup" action? Had me rollin' each time I saw those. Here it is in case you don't remember:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JJmqCKtJnxM&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JJmqCKtJnxM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Remember?<br /><br />So anyway, Matt sends me an email today directing me to another "whassup" video. Things have changed since then. This version reflects that. So fuckin' great I had to share it with you guys!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Qq8Uc5BFogE&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Qq8Uc5BFogE&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Whassup?<br /><br />Change. That's what.<br /><br />Vote.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-61384929364998374452008-10-03T10:39:00.000-07:002008-10-03T10:42:40.040-07:00I make things that glow in the dark...<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOZZIGmTumI/AAAAAAAAAR4/RywJ_royBh0/s1600-h/1119071305-748740.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOZZIGmTumI/AAAAAAAAAR4/RywJ_royBh0/s320/1119071305-748740.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252984011119376994" /></a></p><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOZZISAx4TI/AAAAAAAAASA/oJ4QjTbNtF0/s1600-h/1120071642-749481.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOZZISAx4TI/AAAAAAAAASA/oJ4QjTbNtF0/s320/1120071642-749481.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252984014183194930" /></a></p>This is an old project from last year for a light installation with my Constructions class. I just really liked these pictures taken with my camera phone so i thought I'd put them up. this is probably one of the few projects I am happy with. <br /><br />I know this is a totally random posting, but I need to feel proud of something right now while I'm in the middle of midterm hell working on a project I'm not quite happy with yet. There's potential. But then again, there's always potential...OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-88756727718907703032008-10-01T11:21:00.000-07:002008-10-02T14:07:46.844-07:00People I Want to Kill, Vol. IVYes people, you have read correctly! A new P.I.W.T.K since 2007. This prick deserves it...<br /><br />I bet you all are thinking "Jeez, Lotus... you seem to have a lot of pent up aggression! Another People I Want to Kill? Pray tell... what in the world is going on?"<br /><br />Or something to that effect.<br /><br />Well, let me tell you, dear reader... it's either the culmination of three and a half years of stress, no sleep, excess caffeine and nicotine OR I'm just experiencing an increasing amount of assholes who make me want to go postal on them.<br /><br />And yes, I do have a lot of aggression.<br /><br />Let us begin...<br /><br />For this installment of P.I.W.T.K., I would love to drag naked with a runaway chariot over shards of broken glass my Condescending Elitist Construction Documents Instructor. Again, no names. But those of you who go to my school know exactly who I'm talking about.<br /><br />Yep. You read correctly. I want to have this asshole stripped down to his birthday suit by self proclaimed sodomites (they can butt fuck him all they want while they strip him down), tie him up by the pinky toes (both of them to ensure he stays attached. If they break... oh fucking well.) and secure him to the rear of an old rickety chariot a la "Gladiator" or "Troy". The bumpier the better. I would have a really pissed off bucking bronco drag his sorry ass over a HUGE field of broken glass infected with Hepatitis A,B, & C, The Plague, and the Ebola Virus. Don't worry - the bronco will have a protective suit on so he/she does not get infected. This is an animal friendly blog, people.<br /><br />Here is a little diagram that my friend and fellow classmate of the Condescending Elitist Prick's class, Alaska drew of the proposed path of travel including obstacles and the infected shards of glass:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOU3iyyP0DI/AAAAAAAAANY/A3gyOidrvqM/s1600-h/2904671767_b7c616c867.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOU3iyyP0DI/AAAAAAAAANY/A3gyOidrvqM/s320/2904671767_b7c616c867.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252665611285155890" /></a><br /><br />I propose dragging and jostling him around until all his skin has ripped off. All screams and cries of agony will be ignored as those who happen to be witness to this joyous event will be equipped with earplugs that block out ALL sound, a camera, and popcorn.<br /><br />Of course, I know that those of you who are not part of this asshole's class are wondering why I want to kill him. What could this "man" have possibly done to incur such wrath from a general pacifist such as myself.<br /><br />Well first let me show you a couple of pictures drawn by Alaska that may explain just a little of what this man is:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOU3068hb8I/AAAAAAAAANg/-NW5JPX042Q/s1600-h/2905516320_32c4cde533.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOU3068hb8I/AAAAAAAAANg/-NW5JPX042Q/s320/2905516320_32c4cde533.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252665922713382850" /></a><br /><br /><br />and<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOUqaBFG-7I/AAAAAAAAANA/9WYDKVmEiY8/s1600-h/ROBBY-BOB"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOUqaBFG-7I/AAAAAAAAANA/9WYDKVmEiY8/s320/ROBBY-BOB" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252651166852381618" border="0" /></a>Why is he "wrong" in this picture? Because this man is big headed as this picture clearly demonstrates. The previous picture also has comments added by Alaska showing just how big his head is and can get during the course of one class. It's as if his whole purpose in life is to constantly berate and belittle the students in his classes. I felt this in studio last semester and I'm feeling it (magnified 100%) in this fucked up class. Let me give you a "for instance":<br /><br />He will ask the class a question and then stand at the front of the class waiting for us to answer the question. The problem is... WE DON'T FUCKING KNOW THE ANSWER! Why??? Because he never TAUGHT us whatever the fuck he's asking us. It comes out of the blue! Isn't he supposed to, say, I don't know, TEACH us something in one class, and THEN ask us the fucking question? So that we know what the hell he's talking about, in what context, etc etc??? NO! He asks us questions about shit we've never been taught and that he has no intention of teaching us unless we happen to glean the information from his big ass head through osmosis. You're a teacher, you fuckin' asshole! TEACH THE FUCKING CLASS!!!!<br /><br />Now, this is a Construction Documents class. I won't get into the semantics of the class or the whole thing about "It's 2 units, yet we probably do more work in this class than our 5 unit studio class" or the "I already have a studio class where I must design something, so why in this class do I have to design yet another thing???" or "why the hell aren't I learning how to create a set of construction documents in the first month and then being asked questions about construction documents after that first month and expected to know all the answers as if I've already been taught those things?". Oh wait, I did get into it...<br /><br />This man is so constantly "wrong" in how he treats us as not only students, but also in how he treats us as HUMANS. Example: When turning in a sheet from our construction document for review (which, by the way, we question the whole way but he's too good to answer our questions citing: "I'm not here to teach you CAD. You should already know it." even though the questions are about the CONSTRUCTION DOCUMENT that he is SUPPOSED to be teaching us about...), this sheet must be folded in a certain way. I have a friend in my class who was not in attendance during the all important This Is How You Fold A Construction Doc Sheet For Turn In demonstration. She folded it and turned it in. He asked during class, "Who's is this?" holding up her sheet. She started to walk over to him as she stated that the sheet was for her team. Instead of handing it to her once she approached his "throne", he cast off the offensive document and THREW IT ON THE FLOOR. She had to lean over and pick it up. She was only off by one fold.<br /><br />WHAT. A. PRICK.<br /><br />Those of us in the back of the classroom watched in horror as an audible gasp escaped our lips in unison. We could not believe what he had just witnessed. I, personally, wanted to jump over the series of desks that divided us and smack him with my slippers right there. Fuck that. I wanted to stab him in the eye with my sharpie. Fuckin' asshole.<br /><br />In addition to all I've stated so far, he says we aren't listening when we are and constantly makes us feel as if we're insignificant pieces of shit that he just happened to accidentally step on. You can tell he thinks we ARE pieces of shit because the contempt he has for us just <span style="font-style: italic;">oozes</span> from his pores. He looks at us as if we're stupid. He scoffs at us and rolls his eyes when we speak. He thinks that we should already know in one month of non-teaching what took him YEARS in an office to figure out. I, frankly, don't give a shit that he's been doing this for 20+ years or however long he's been doing this. We've been his students for one month. We don't know shit. And he's not teaching us shit.<br /><br />I want to know...<br /><br />How does our school keep paying an "instructor" who continuously demoralizes his students with every poisonous word that escapes his inflated head. Why is it that he left one department who despised him in order to to instill a sense of loathing and insignificance to another department? How does he continue to think that we, as students, must respect him solely based on the fact that he is our "instructor"?<br /><br />In order to get respect from us you Elitist Egocentric Douche Bag, you must first respect the fact that we are students, eager to learn. And that you must TEACH us. And even though we are "students" we are first and foremost people, who share this godforsaken earth with you. We are just as good as you think you are. Respect for you as instructor is based on the fact that you teach us and teach us well. You need to earn this privilege. You give, we give. Enough said.<br /><br />So with all that said, I'm going to start looking at finding that chariot, creating the pathway and breaking some glass. I'm going to break into the CDC labs and find some Hep A, B, & C, Ebola Virus and Plague vials. <br /><br />Get ready you fascist pig. I'm gunning for you.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-61612766331201195432008-09-30T01:04:00.000-07:002008-09-30T01:11:04.786-07:00Darfur Diaspora Project<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOHd_BIEMYI/AAAAAAAAAM4/Otq42lG0r58/s1600-h/0930080104-780027.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOHd_BIEMYI/AAAAAAAAAM4/Otq42lG0r58/s320/0930080104-780027.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5251722715194470786" /></a></p>Confusion. My spatial organization and my concept are proving to be difficult to translate into this fucked up site we were given. A freakin' gymnasium! Give me a break!<br /><br />And midterms are seven days away. Yikes!<p>OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-9047978502329748102008-09-29T11:43:00.001-07:002008-09-29T11:46:45.830-07:00This is what a mouse can do if you're not careful<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOEh5djRQYI/AAAAAAAAAMw/926taiQegA8/s1600-h/0929081103-729648.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SOEh5djRQYI/AAAAAAAAAMw/926taiQegA8/s320/0929081103-729648.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5251515911559528834" /></a></p>The first injury of the school year. Yay!<br /><br />That's what I get for not clicking in the correct position. ;)<p>OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-39970224433130198802008-09-12T11:24:00.000-07:002008-09-12T11:25:27.536-07:00People I Want to Kill, Vol. IIIOriginally posted on myspace: March 19, 2007 - Monday<br /><br />People I Want to Kill, Vol. III<br />Current mood: exhausted<br /><br />Don't have much time, but I needed a small break from my midterm work to give you three people who read my lowly little blog the latest installment of P.I.W.T.K:<br /><br />Here goes:<br /><br />People I Want to Kill, Vol. III<br /><br />This one is simple. One word. Me.<br /><br />Yes, I want to kill me. I want to die. I want to sleep forever. I want to take a dirt nap. I would like to push up daisies...<br /><br />The method of my demise? Well, that's easy. It's already begun and has been in the works for two years now... SCHOOL.<br /><br />Yes, school. It's killing me. If school doesn't kill me, nicotine will. Who will get to me first? Time will tell. Yet another all nighter with more nicotine and caffeine coursing through my beleaguered system. And if those two things don't get to me fast enough, I'm sure that I'll accidentally stab myself in the carotid artery while building a model with no sleep, and bleed to death.<br /><br />I'd jump out the window, but I live on the first floor. The most I'd get would be some scratches and some bruises that would hopefully make a nice pattern on my unshaven legs.<br /><br />Alright. I have to get back to this shit.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-16297358016148169422008-09-12T11:22:00.000-07:002008-09-12T11:24:15.170-07:00People I Want to Kill, Vol. IIOriginally posted on myspace: December 5, 2006 - Tuesday<br /><br />People I Want to Kill Vol. 2<br />Current mood: annoyed<br /><br />As I sit here in the computer lab waiting for this slow ass plotter to plot out my floor plans so I can build my model under 24 hours so I can be finished in time for pin up (why such a short amount of time? don't ask. I'll write another blog about it... but I'll let you know that that installment will include the first "non person" people I would like to kill... my computer - or rather, the dead computer that fucked up my life... I digress)... <br /><br />So anyway, I'm sitting here waiting for suck ass plot... and I'm sitting next to Laura who, I have just discovered, has already finished her model. FINISHED HER MUTHERFUCKING MODEL!!! I can't believe that shit. Of course, HER computer didn't fry and fuck up her life and her progress for final presentation, so of course, she finished. So as a result, I have decided to include Laura in the People I Want to Kill series. Don't get me wrong. I love the girl. She's one of my Insomnia Crew girls and a homegirl for life, but right now, she deserves to be the focus of my wrath. Here goes:<br /><br />People I want to Kill Vol. 2: LAURA FERGUSON.<br /><br />I want to kill you Laura because you're done. I'm watching you do some weird shit in sketch up right now and look up hopelessly at the printout of your perspective drawings. I don't have those. They went bye bye. So did my plans. So did my elevations. So did my life. You finished your model and the only thing I can think of to do is to set you on fire using the kindling created from your model scraps. I'm going over to studio, finding your model scraps (or someone else s, I don't care), waiting for you to show up, hog tie you and then tie you to the rather large basswood pole I bought the other day, then set the model scraps underneath you and set you afire.<br /><br />Yeah, that sounds good. Death by fire. FIRE I SAY!!!<br /><br />So poetic. Using your model scraps as kindling. I'm a fucking genius.<br /><br />Please excuse the very bad grammar, word usage, and sentence structure in this blog. I'm agro, tired and frankly, FRUSTRATED.<br /><br />Ok, I'm gonna go hide in a dark corner and wait for Laura to come 'round so I can pounce on her and set her ablaze.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-64839371039401803892008-09-12T11:20:00.000-07:002008-09-12T11:22:35.840-07:00People I Want to Kill, Vol. IOriginally posted on myspace: November 12, 2006 - Sunday<br /><br />People I Want to Kill, Vol. 1<br />Current mood: pissed off<br />Category: Life<br /><br />So here's the deal:<br /><br />I've noticed that my increasing tendency to lean toward the "agro" has disabled me to the point of actual illness. Recent diagnosis? Vertigo. Brought on by stress. I'm not lying. I'm fucking serious. I went to the doctor and everything.<br /><br />It sucks. It's no fun. Oh fucking well.<br /><br />So I've decided to compile a list of people I would like to kill, in the hopes that my vertigo will not make so many "visits", shall we say, and disrupt my already hectic life. It will not be an every day thing. Or even an every week thing. And there's usually only one person I would like to see wiped off the earth at a time, so stay tuned and maybe, just maybe, if you feel like killing someone, you can live vicariously through my imagination. This way, we all stay out of jail and we get to vent and, hopefully, feel a little better? Yes?<br /><br />Let us begin:<br /><br />For this volume of "People I Want to Kill, Vol. 1", I would so love to carve out the heart of my Contemporary Interior Architecture History and Theories Instructor with a dull, rusty spoon.<br /><br />Long story short. She's a fucking idiot. I hate her. She makes, not only MY life, but the lives of others in my class, a living hell. I want to say "FUCK YOU" to this bitch as the utensil I stated earlier breaks through the skin and laugh maniacly as I hack away at the breast plate in order to get to the heart. Shit, I don't even know if the bitch has one.... she definitely doesn't have a fucking brain. I won't go into the ins and outs of why I hate her so badly but let's just say this:<br /><br />This bitch shouldn't be teaching this class. She doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. I am more confused now as we enter the final weeks of class than I was at the beginning of the semester. I'm surprised she's still getting a paycheck. She knows nothing of Theory OR Architecture, let alone Interior Architecture Theory, WHICH THIS CLASS IS ALL ABOUT, and fuck, she DEFINITELY doesn't know how to teach it. Like I said, she's a fucking idiot.<br /><br />I am preparing a spoon just for this occasion. <br /><br />If she makes the list a second time, which she may since she's been the main reason for my discontent, panic attacks and vertigo, I'm beating her with a dismembered arm. Preferably her own. <br /><br />Maybe I'll cut it off with the spoon.<br /><br />Until next time...OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-26930419052827168622008-09-12T11:15:00.000-07:002008-09-12T11:20:00.010-07:00HiatusSorry for the extended "vacation" from my blog. I've had to deal with some b.s. that I'm sure you all are <span style="font-weight:bold;">so very<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span> interested in. <br /><br />And I apologize for what I'm about to post... old blogs. Hahaha! From my myspace blog site. I've decided to transfer over my "People I Want to Kill" series over to this blog and I feel, in order to be as anal as humanly possible, that I must post the first three in the series before I post any new ones.<br /><br />I will be posting Volume IV soon. In the next couple of days. But for now, please enjoy a stroll down memory lane. Complete with the original post dates. They will be posted as individual posts after this one.<br /><br />Enjoy dammit!OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580135.post-85718380701657777222008-07-21T10:47:00.001-07:002008-07-21T11:23:41.855-07:00Hermit Style.No, I'm not going to talk about the style choices of certain hermits (whoever they may be). I'm just realizing that aside from the occasional outing with my guy, my friends and on the VERY rare occasion, my family, I'm basically a hermit. It's really not intentional. I am a very busy woman who works on her projects at home. So I am home <span style="font-style:italic;">ALOT</span> except for when I am working in studio, of course.<br /><br />It's lonely, Hermit Life. I live alone with my dog, Spencer. He's not much of a conversationalist and he certainly doesn't give me any creative input on any of the designs I'm currently working on. So I do tend to get a touch stir crazy at times. And don't get me started on the paranoia when I've had absolutely <span style="font-style:italic;">no contact</span> from <span style="font-style:italic;">anyone</span>. I start to think that everyone is against me and that they all hate me. I think up conspiracy theories, betrayal scenarios, and even visions of mutiny start to invade my overloaded imagination. All while working on AutoCAD or Rhino Drawings such as this:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://bp1.blogger.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SITPL1bwS4I/AAAAAAAAALg/3p_XlcAX6cI/s1600-h/persp+test.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_lI9zoxV7keE/SITPL1bwS4I/AAAAAAAAALg/3p_XlcAX6cI/s320/persp+test.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5225529269885619074" /></a><br /><br />Well, that's a Rhino Drawing, but you get the idea...<br /><br />Anyway, I find myself home alone now, working on yet another project. My final project actually for the summer studio I am DETERMINED to get an A in. Oh yes... the A will be mine... and I'm hoping the schizo part of me doesn't interrupt my creative flow (yeah, I said it) so that I can try to go to bed at a decent hour. I'm hoping around 2 or 3 a.m. That's decent, yes???<br /><br />At some point today I need to make a crappy physical sketch model. But for now, I sit here alone in front of my computer working in CAD and wishing I could spend more time blogging and working on my book (yes... a BOOK!). <br /><br />I'll ask Spencer his opinion on what I've done so far but I have a feeling he'll probably just look up at me and then go back to sleep. Silent. As usual.<br /><br />Freakin' dog.OmLotusBlossomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00877235694398884586noreply@blogger.com2