Thursday, July 17, 2008

I Used to be a Bad Ass...

... but I don't think I am now and I don't know how that happened. There used to be a time when I would strut, literally STRUT, around and I knew that my shit did not stink (figuratively speaking, of course). I could do no wrong. I wanted something (a job, a project, a boy, a friend, etc.), I would get it by any and all means necessary to attain whatever it was I desired. I had friends who would tell me that I didn't even need to try or work hard to get what I wanted. It would just come to me.

I was desired. I was sought after. I was wanted.

I was a Bad Ass.

But now, as I get older, I realize that things are a little harder to come by. I don't make friends as easily. I don't know if men even look at me (of course, I do have a boyfriend so that would be a moot point, really), I don't have steady work, and all ideas or inspiration I desire to come never really comes. I struggle harder than I used to and it's becoming quite perplexing.

I no longer live the charmed life I used to lead.

But do I really want that charmed life? Even when I was a Bad Ass there were times when I would question myself and think, "These things come too easily." Then I would become complacent. And then I would get bored. I'm no so easily bored and I definitely am no longer complacent. In fact, I think I have discovered a whole new realm of restlessness I never knew could exist inside of me.

I want to do everything. I want to design, I want to write, I STILL want to direct the few scripts I've written, I want to finish my book, I want to get married, I want to have children, I want, I want, I want...

All this wanting makes me so agitated sometimes that I think I'm going to explode out of my skin. But then I think to myself, "If I do get all these things, what happens once I get them?"

I don't know.

I'm just saying...

I used to be a Bad Ass.

1 comment:

  1. Oh come on, you're still a bad ass. You still have the brass knuckle necklace, right?

    And even if you're not as much of a bad ass, there's a lot to be said of letting go of the ego and embracing your inner being (I read that in a book somewhere).