Thursday, March 24, 2011

Surgery. The scariest 7 letter word I know.

Another short but sweet. I'm wicked tired and have to be up in a few hours.

In about 7 hours, I'll be in surgery. Yeesh... surgery. I've had a couple. Laser eye surgery. C-Section. A Lumpectomy. But this one... wowzers. I'm, as you all already know, scared shitless. But I've gotten so much votes of confidence, words of support, and notifications of prayers that I feel less worried than I've felt in a while. Don't get me wrong... I still feel like crying... and I have. Especially when I had to drop of my daughter at my parents house.

I spent a few hours there hanging out with my family. Watched my niece play with my daughter and then watched her sleep during her short 20 minute nap. That was my cue to pick her up and hand her off to my mom, who will not be at the hospital tomorrow but staying home to pray a Novena for me with her sisters. But before I could even hand her over to my mom I froze and just stood there holding my baby Autumn in my arms. That's when the tears started to flow. I could not let her go. There were nor are any words I can use to express what I was feeling at that time because I don't even know what I was feeling. Yes, scared is one word. Worried is another. But neither of those words really describe all that was going through me at that moment. So I just stood there and cried. And my mom and sisters and aunts all came over and hugged me and told me it would be fine and that Autumn would be fine. And I know she will be. I just love that kid so much, the thought of being away from her for so long just makes me want to scream. Yes, I know a week is a relatively short amount of time, but dude... for me to be away from my baby for that long seems like an eternity. Even now as I sit here in bed and type this, I should be hearing her little snores and occasional bedtime grunts as she squirms in her crib. But I don't hear that. Nor do I see her when I look into her crib. And my heart cries... and then my eyes follow suit. I REALLY hope they let her come to my hospital room after I'm out of the ICU.

Anyway, I hope to be updating you all myself real soon. Hopefully in a few days. Until then, my sister Cathy will be posting on my blog to update you all and tell you how I'm doing. My thanks to all of you who have been reading this and offering up words of support. I really do appreciate all the love you guys have expressed to me.

I'll "see" you all very soon. I have some cancer ass kicking to do right now.


  1. Damn it now I'm crying! Ughhhh!
    Anyway- Nothing very poetic comes out of me about all of this so I just keep repeating all that I know. I know there are a ton of people who LoVe and care about you in the deepest of ways who will be all over the US praying and wishing you the very best of results... And of course I'll be in the waiting room! As I told you- I have a personal army of Angels that I have focused on you and your doctors right now. You will be taken care of, Autumn will be loved and cared for, you will survive the surgery with positive results, you will hold your child soon and... you will love her the same as you do now all the way thru gray hairs because you are going to get thru this!!!
    I love you so very much! Now get some damn sleep so you can kick this cancers ass!
    Party in your room very soon! Fo sho!

  2. My thoughts and prayers are with you! xoxoxo -Nicole Neilson